Spyro ex Hapoppo: Return of the New Empire
by Hapoppo McKaos Delta
Summary: A salty space force; a furry little hero; and everyone's favorite purple dragon. The greatest combination since peanutbutter and ROCK!!! Chapter 2: The Life and Times of the Clones that Attack Us is now up!
1. Default Chapter

Untitled 

Spyro the Dragon and all associated material are copyrighted (C) 2001 to Universal Studios. 

Hapoppo, EVIL NACHOS, and all associated material are trademarked (TM) 2001 to Leonard Carwile. 

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IT WAS TWO YEARS PAST... BUT I CANNOT LET IT GO. HOW IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED, I AM AFRAID TO ASK. 

These are the thoughts that flow through the mind of a defeated genius. The untold humiliation of letting a simple seam break an entire plot is so untold, that it is untold beyond untoldiness. And now, these burdens weigh heavy upon an old foe of a hero, much too heavy to be forgotten - they are burdens that can only be relesed by having their master re-summoned, and destroyed. This is where our story begins. 

It was a dark and stormy night... IN SPACE! An endless black canvas spangled in an infinite dress of stars stretched on for eternity. But in the midst of it all, the pattern was disrupted by an ominous shadow. And within this shadow, an unfathomable evil toiled. 

Within this shadow were thousands of little NACHOS, with little NACHO eyeballs and little NACHO eyebrows, with their little NACHO teeth and little NACHO brains. They prefer their names to be spelled in caps, as they feel it expresses their superior abilities, and they talk in caps, because they forgot to turn off the caps lock, or something. These NACHOs work as a unity, oft represented by an individual NACHO. They come from the Planet W, and search the universe for worlds to conquer. They are the EVIL NACHOS. 

CHEESOR, the greatest NACHO of them all, lives within this mighty flying space-fortress. At the moment of our story, CHEESOR stood in his room, staring out his window into deep space. Within those walls, the world beyond was nonexistent. The muffled sounds of space, the loud humming and whirring of the machinery within the engine room, the shouts of the workers, all was silenced by the small world surrounding CHEESOR. 

The silence was interrupted by the sound of CHEESOR's informant, #2. 

"SIR, WE ARE REACHING OUR DESTINATION." #2 said, in a low-pitched, growling voice. "WE WILL SOON BE BLA BLA BLA AND BLA BLA BLA DEPARTURE BLA BLA BLA BLA AWAY TEAM BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA." 

CHEESOR ignored #2, and continued to stare out the window. 

"ADDITIONALLY, WE HAVE DETERMINED THAT BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA LANDING GROUNDS BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA MADE UP SCIENTIFIC TERMS BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA." 

It was like #2 never shut up. This is how he was all the time; once he smashed two words together to form what slightly resembles a new word, he'd begin making up bizarre scenarios and throwing his faux words here and there to make him sound intelligent at no stop. In fact, he talked so much, some swear they hear him in the bathroom some times telling his toilet plunger about how he saved the ship from an invisible famblegore shield by setting the gradosine level to 0. Nobody knew what the froob he was talking about, and nobody cared. That's how he came to achieve such a high ranking in CHEESOR's army. 

"BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA" #2 continued, "BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA". 

Still, CHEESOR stood motionless, staring out his window. 

"FURTHERMOR, LORD CHEESOR, THERE HAS BEEN A RECENT FINDING OF BEER ABOARD OUR CAFETERIA." 

Still no response. 

"AND SOME JOKER HAS BEEN MAKING COUNTERFEIT DOLLARS WITH PICTURES OF BILL GATES MOONING THE POSESSOR." 

No response. 

"I WEAR FRILLY PINK PANTIES, SIR." 

No response. 

"I BELIEVE BLUE IS TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING! THEN, LET US PLAY BLUE'S CLUES!" 

No response. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but #2 began to feel he wasn't wanted. Without another word to CHEESOR, #2 left the room, telling each bush in the hallway outside about his adventures against the mysterious Folgo energy on his way back to his post. CHEESOR continued to stand by the window, completely void of any animation. A few silent minutes passed. 

"AH YES, THIS IS THE PERFECT PLACE FOR MY FLINTSTONES WINDOW STICKERS!" he said, breaking his train of silence. 

What are the EVIL NACHOS' intentions? 

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By now the Town Square skateboard park's ground was beginning to look more like a kintergarten art project than a sporting arena. Spyro had been scraping a stick across the sandy pavement, drawing all over the skateway in an attempt to pass time. 

"Hunter, you idiot..." Spyro grumbled to himself. He and his best friend had scheduled a skateboarding face-off for around now, but as usual, Hunter was late. Of course, for something as dear to Hunter as skateboarding, he was formerly the one waiting for Spyro, arriving five to ten minutes ahead of schedule. But it seemed that after Hunter's new love life with Bianca (Or "Lemonhead" as he called her behind her, and Hunter's backs) he was almost non-existent. It often lead him to think it would probably have been better if Hunter and Bianca were never united, but whenever that thought would cross his mind it would make him feel guilty; he's 23 years old, it's about time he has a taste of life outside of skateboarding anyhow. Spyro figured it may have been time to take action as well, finding friends his own age or getting hooked up like Hunter and Lemonhead out prancing somewhere in la-la land. Not that that's really all that easy a task, seeing as how all of the female dragons out there were either in diapers or looking to buy a new house. And Elora... well, Spyro never looked for a reason, he just kept telling himself that it's not gonna happen. 

"Oucht!" Spyro growled imatiently. STILL no sign of Hunter anywhere. 

Being the prince of dragons AND a hero at the same time, Spyro had two sides to his personality: his selfless "hero" side and his spoiled brat "prince" side. Although he usually tries to restrain his less charming trait, now was definitely not an exemplary time. To vent his frustration, Spyro kicked the tail of his skateboard and let it flip up into the air, then head back to the ground with a loud slap on contact. Spyro then picked his skateboard up, dusted it off, and decided that so long as Hunter wasn't present, he might as well get warmed up. 

"Hey, Spyro!" Just as he placed his skateboard on the sidewalk ramp, put one foot on the board, and brought back his other leg to thrust himself off to a rolling start, he heard his name being called and looked back to see Hunter, skateboard in tow, running towards him. Go figure. 

A little short on breath, Hunter stopped a couple feet away from Spyro and paused to reclaim his energy. "Sorry I'm late, but I had to get hitch... err... hitch a ride from one of my friends." he said apologetically. Spyro felt like cursing him out, but decided it's not worth it. When you get to be Hunter's age, long legs and curvaceous thighs seem to be some of life's only pleasures, and it's best not to deny him his greatest chance at happiness; and besides, he figured Lemonhead probably does enough impunctuality-based chewing out as is. Either that or Spyro's training himself to supress his spoiled "prince of dragons" attitude was more effective than he had thought. 

Spyro relaxed his skaing position into a more casual quadropedal stance. "Aah... no problem, I guess. So whaddya wanna start with? Ramps, racing, Horse... ?" 

"How 'bout we start out simple: Wipe Out." Wipe Out was Hunter's favorite, and when he had his way it was always the first and last challenge they played. The basic concept was to take the nastiest ramps imaginable, and the first to wipe out... well... lost. The rules were simple, but Spyro and Hunter were the only two who could ever even get through the game for more than seven seconds, which was probably why Hunter found it so amusing. Of course with a game like Wipe Out there would obviously be a few casualties, namely skinned arms and sizable bruises, that Spyro's old man reasoned made the game quite objectionable. But seeing as how Spyro's faced some worse scrapes than the ones on his knees before, he didn't much mind ignoring authority. Strike up another one for the "prince" side. 

"Is that the best you can do? I'll be waitin' for ya at the finish line then, pussycat!" Spyro resumed his "ready" skating position and waited for the signal, and followed-up his taunt, "Try not to break your head again!" 

"Alright, tough guy! Ready? Aaaaaaaaand... GO!!!!!" 

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It's going to be just another day at the theatre, really. A nice shirt, a good lunch, and the trusty Kill(TM) 2,000 were all that a manager needs to deal a day with customers and disobedient employees alike. Occasionally, a few scribble books would accompany me as well. But otherwise, nothing new. Maybe I can talk the GM into getting those high-voltage electric auditorium door handles today for a slight change of pace. Maybe.. 

At least, these were the thoughts that ran through the little white cat's head as he prepared to go to work. Holding the proud title of Assistant Theatre Death Manager at the young age of eight, this little cat had a very high self-esteem. And what manager, in charge of sheer life-opposing force, wouldn't be proud to hold that position? Especially when you get to take out your rage on its very cause. 

"Hapoppo!" A voice was heard from the other room. The Other Room, a dimension where cherries are called berries and wheels are made out of cars, and cars out of wheels, was the snug little home to Hapoppo, his brothers and sisters, and a shoe. Hapoppo turned around to see his sister Tina carrying his lunchbox by its strap, since it kept slipping when she tried to grab it by the strawberry yogurt. "Hapoppo, don't forget to take your lunch! You remember what happened last time you forgot it, don't you?" Tina lectured. "Err... right. I forgot all about it when I got home, then it started getting kinda old, and started turning all funny shapes and colors, and then... well... the birth of Ronald McDonald. You know the rest." Hapoppo responded in his lisping, young voice, somewhat humiliated for receiving a lecture from his own triplet sister. "Well anyhow, have a good day, Hapo! And remember: Theatopia!" And with that, Hapoppo walked over to his car, and drove off in it, since that's what cars do. 

Ah yes, Theatopia Cinemas 250. The legendary theatre. The world's largest 250-plex, and an Assistant Manager's dream. Especially an Assistant Death Manager's dream. There have been stories from some who have gone there. Each auditorium was 100% equipped with ejection seats, activated at the push of a button. Animatronics based on the movies would come alive and develop a will of their own, leaving a path of destruction in their wake. And the exits, lined with autolaunching butt-seeking boot-missiles. Hapoppo let his mind wander on, until eventually it wandered into a shoestore and he was forced to bring Shoetopia Soulnemas Shoefifty to a close. Unfortunately, Hapoppo's phantasizing about the glory that is Theatopia had sort of dullened his perspective on his own theatre, Frugal Sinemas 15, which he knew would make his day a bit longer. 

Hapoppo arrived at Frugal approximately nine minutes early, as usual, and didn't once think about how his theatre was made out of a giant, lone shoe. Which is really strange, because his theatre was made out of... well... a giant, lone shoe. So, anyhow, Hapoppo worked. At his job. Since that's what he's paid to do. 

Bob the Clown loved to dawdle. In fact, he dawdled so much that he dawdled when a herd of elephants charged his path, 'cuz he was holding lots and lots of peanuts. Then the peanuts got turned into peanut butter, and Bob the Clown got turned into Clown Butter. The moral of this story: Cat Butter is NOT to be a grocery store aisle selection. 

Having finished the job for the day, our sexy, masculine centerpoint of attention decided it was about time to kick back with his friends at their favorite hang out place, There. There, much preferred over its competitors Here and Stinky Pool Fart Bubble Land for obvious reasons, was like a restaurant, only with nerds. There's walls were wallpapered in video game posters, with the occasional light switch or two attempting to drag a fanboy to his doom. The floors reflected the convulsive flashing neon lights from the roof, with the occasional light switch or two attempting to drag a fanboy to his doom. And of course, the rooms were lined with arcade machines and tables, with the occasional fanboy or two attempting to drag a lightswitch to his doom. 

Hapoppo arrived through the doors and approached he and his friends' usual hangout table, deciding that he'd do the whole "getting out of his car" thing later. The gang was all there: Catten, a black cat who always wore a tilted witch hat, and was skilled in the art of witchcraft; Tina, previously mentioned; Tina, previously mentioned; Kiro, a white, spotted cat with short hair and a pink mini-skirt, and probably the most effeminate girl the world has known; Mitaru, a red cat that never says anything coherent; and Jarni, Hapoppo's triplet brother, a short, fat blue cat that always eats, since that's how he does that "living" thing he does so well. After a brief greeting among friends, it was time to shift the day out of "boring", and into "less boring". 

The day had started for Hapoppo the same was all other days did, so Hapoppo was expecting it to end the same, too. But an unfortunate twist of fate, as little Hapoppo would soon find out, was unwilling to meet the cat's expectations... 

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	2. The Life and Times of the Clones that At...

Spyro the Dragon and all associated material is copyright (C) 2001 to Universal Studios  
  
Hapoppo, the EVIL NACHOS, and all associated material are trademarked (TM) 2001 to Leonard Carwile  
  
"What a Puhhdicament" shamelessly stolen from Ol' Uncle Bo's Gamblin' Shack (http://members.tripod.com/ubgs)  
  
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Spyro ex Hapoppo Chapter 2: The Life and Times of the Clones that Attack Us  
  
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Space had lost its lonesome atmosphere at the sight of the titan space carrier. The ship cast an ominous shadow across the face of the Dragon Worlds' central moon as it passed by. Its destination, the fathering body of the three moons, the Dragon Worlds themselves, would soon meet with a shadow cast by the same ship, but much darker, much more wicked...  
  
It was dark, and CHEESOR couldn't see much. But for what it was worth, it was a small setback. The darkness surrounded the interior of CHEESOR's experimental weapon, the Box of Uncomprehensible Doom. It was such an unrighteous machine, so perfect to his expectations that it tickled his stomach just thinking about the damage it could do, and CHEESOR couldn't help but laugh. His evil laughter grew, and grew, until he couldn't help himself; by now his belly would have jiggled like a twisted, vile bowl of jelly, if he had a stomach.  
  
He laughed so hard that he fell over, and his laughter turned into surprise. He hit the corner of his weapon, his weight pressing against all sides, placing several fractures into it and introducing its first ounce of light. The corners split open, spewing CHEESOR out of the box and landing him on his side.  
  
"AAH, CRAP!" CHEESOR snorted. "#2! #2!!!!!" His summons called forth the attention of his assistant, #2. "SIR, IF YOU HAVE TO GO THAT BAD THE BATHROOM'S..." #2 began, but CHEESOR interrupted. "I FELL ONTO MY SIDE, YOU FOOL! AND LOOK, MY INVENTION IS COMPLETELY TOTALED!"  
  
"OH, RIGHT. MY APOLOGIES, SIR... SHALL I GET ANOTHER REFRIDGERATOR BOX SO YOU CAN BUILD A NEW ONE?"  
  
"NO TIME FOR THAT NOW... I SEE FROM MY WINDOW THAT WE ARE APPROACHING THE DRAGON WORLDS AND... OH MY LORD! IT IS BEING INVADED BY A GIANT FRED FLINTSTONE!!! HOW DARE HE BEAT ME TO THE PUNCH! #2! ELIMINATE HIM WITH OUR ION CANNONS!"  
  
"UHH... RIGHT AWAY, SIR." #2 didn't have the heart to tell CHEESOR that they didn't HAVE any ion cannons, and proceeded to CHEESOR's room exit.  
  
"MUAHAHA... SO, FRED FOOLSTONE! YOU THINK YOU CAN CONQUER THE DRAGON WORLDS BEFORE I CAN? IT IS MINE, FLINT-STUPID! ALL MINE!!!!!" And with that, CHEESOR burst into vile laughter, much like the one that destroyed his near-perfect weapon. He then shook until he fell upright, and stared some more at the large, blue sphere in front of him. CHEESOR let his thoughts wander back to a few weeks back, when the whole journey began.  
  
CHEESOR had just received the latest issue of Unconquered Worlds. Not only was this the #1 source for all that is worldy and unconquered, it also makes great toilet paper. CHEESOR would usually just look at the mags and wish he were out conquering those worlds; after being defeated by an 8-year- old cat, he had a very low self-esteem. But this month's issue seemed to be a bit more interesting - it had a feature for a certain very important little place we like to call the Dragon World. The more CHEESOR read about it, the more interested he became.  
  
See, the Dragon World had three times over attempted to be conquered, each time to fall prey to a hero of its own: Spyro the Dragon. This was just one of many dragons within this world, and CHEESOR had the feeling that with such powerful creatures at his command, he could take any world he wanted! Of course, the reason it hadn't been conquered was the same reason that CHEESOR wanted it so bad: the powerful dragons. It would take more than really big objects being tossed at these guys to take them down, but what separated CHEESOR from the other villains was that he had a much different plan - if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! CHEESOR would give the heroes the ol' "I'm-the-good-guy" routine to brainwash them into fighting against the Earth forces, and thus CHEESOR would become unstoppable! It was the perfect plan. Sure, it may have been blundered by several thousand sitcom villains in the past, but CHEESOR was no ordinairy sitcom villain - he was a corn chip. And how many other sitcom villains can make THAT kinda claim?  
  
CHEESOR watched the blue sphere that would soon be his in great anticipation. This was it - CHEESOR's chance to prove that he's more than a mere "comic relief" villain. CHEESOR again laughed maniacally, failing to notice the little rubber ball fly out of the window from the room below accompanied by a very uninthusiastic "UH... BOOM, SIR."  
  
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"Seriously, you men can be such airheads at times..." Zoe mercilessly lectured both Spyro and Hunter as they sat out in the yard of the Artisan castle. Both had taken a pretty bad beating from their little skateboarding game earlier that day, as they had both taken a wild plummet right off a few ramps. Hunter took a pretty bad beating, but Spyro proved he was much more one with the pavement with what seemed to be a broken leg.  
  
"So Hunter..." Spyro said, sounding a bit dazed, "Who won that last one, anyway?"  
  
"I don't know, err... aah... what was your name again?"  
  
"... I forget." Spyro said. And with that, both Spyro and Hunter fell outcold. Zoe rolled her eyes, and continued applying bandages to the two KOed Tony Hawk wannabes. She had apparently become to preoccupied with the wounded that she failed to notice a visitor poking a hoof out of a nearby portal.  
  
Zoe failed to notice the visitor's presence until her sudden voice brought Zoe to alarm. "Let me guess, they were competing at skateboarding." Zoe looked up to see her longtime friend, Elora the Faun, leaning over Zoe and her patients.  
  
"They never learn, really... every time they do this I have to haul their butts out of some crazy puhhdicament." Zoe said, but stopped the subject at that. Elora had decided to come visit, and Zoe didn't want to seem unwelcoming. "So how have you been? And what're you here for?"  
  
"Just thought I'd pay a visit to Spyro, since he hasn't stopped by Avalar in quite a bit... but I see he's not quite available at the moment."  
  
"Wah... you're here to see him, but not your own long-time best friend? That's not fair." Zoe said as she put her hands on her hips and made a stubborn guesture. She was half-kidding, and Elora could sense it and decided to play along. "Aww, now why wouldn't I be here for my own best friend?" Elora said while picking Zoe up by the wings and shaking her a bit. Zoe was not amused in the least, and struggled to get free. Elora let her go, and blushed a bit. "Heh heh... sorry." she apologized, while keeping a cheerful smile across her face. Zoe hated it when she did that - Elora's cheerful little smiles always rubbed off on Zoe, which was always used as a way to get out of being yelled at by her friend when she tended to go overboard.  
  
Zoe proceeded with bandaging, attending to Hunter's thick skull. "Luckily it's hard to get any pain through this thing, much less anything else..." she remarked. Elora let out a little giggle. "You might wanna wrap up his stomach, though... that's where everything goes." Elora attempted to chime in with the humor, but she never was very good at jokes. She grabbed a few bandages and tried to help Zoe out by attending to Spyro's wounds, but she was even worse with first aid than she was at jokes and just ended up wrapping Spyro up as though she was performing a sloppy mummification job. Zoe finished up Hunter's wraps and then corrected Elora on her poor attempt.  
  
"They should recover soon, so they'll be fine out in the yard. Meanwhile, what say we go get a burger at Burger Dragooon?" Zoe said, and looked up at Elora, who had a goofy smirk across her face. "I've got a better idea." Elora said, "Let's bandage 'em up like I did so they'll think they got it worse than they actually did... THAT'LL teach 'em." Zoe couldn't help but giggle at the thought, but decided against the idea. "Naah... it might freak everybody out. 'Sides, Spyro's not gonna be doing any more skating for quite a while on that leg of his anyway."  
  
"Wha... t's that?" said a groggy voice from the ground. Elora and Zoe both looked down below them to see Spyro, his eyes half-open, looking up at the sky. Elora and Zoe quickly turned their heads towards the sky to see what he was looking at, and jumped.  
  
"What is it, Elora?" Zoe said in a frightened voice.  
  
"I dunno... I just hope it's not trouble." Elora said, trying not to shudder.  
  
The object in the sky was blurred by the blue atmosphere, but ever slowly it drew nearer, and became more clear. A humming noise grew ever louder as the object drew nearer, its image becoming perfectly visible. It was a gigantic nacho tray hovering right above their heads... Elora, Zoe, and Spyro could only watch, and wait to see what would happen next.  
  
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"Supreme pizza with anchovies, pepperoni, and a shadowy figyah. Here ya go." the surly waitress said in a low-pitched, semi-groggy voice.  
  
"Uhh... 'scuze me." Hapoppo told the waitress, "I didn't order any shadowy figure."  
  
"Yeah, well dat's whatcher gettin'." the waitress responded. Hapoppo rolled his eyes, and figured he'd just pick the shadowy figure off; as for the waitress, no tip for her.  
  
As the pizza box top tilted open, Hapoppo heard a voice from the shadows of Here's darkest seating area. "Are you by any chance the Hapoppo that defeated CHEESOR and his gang of EVIL NACHOS?"  
  
"Err... that would be me, why?"  
  
"I've got a bit of info that may interest you. The EVIL NACHOS are still alive, and I think they're up to something. We last saw their ship headed towards La-La Land to the west of the Fiddlestick quadrant."  
  
"Wait... why do you care, anyhow? And who's 'we'?"  
  
"The EVIL NACHO Research Association (ENRA). The ENRA is dedicated to tracking the EVIL NACHOS to make sure they pose no further threat to the Earth; we have the most expansive data on the EVIL NACHOS, such as what episode of Star Trek is their favorite, how many Star Trek action figures they have, and even which Star Trek books they have and haven't read! But unfortunately, we don't yet know where they're going at this time, and we don't trust them. Hapoppo, please, you're our only hope!"  
  
"Well... I have a friend out of town that has a starship... his name is Captain Jerk. I guess I could see if I could borrow his ship and follow these guys."  
  
"Hapoppo, I thank you, the ENRA thanks you, and if Captain Picard were a real person I bet he'd thank you, too. You're a true hero!"  
  
"Don't mention it. Say, I never got your name... who are you?"  
  
No response. The shadowy figure must have left the building, and Hapoppo decided it was time to do the same. He dropped his share of the Pizza money onto the table and headed for the doors, but of course, he couldn't approach the exit without having his friends follow behind him.  
  
"If you're going, we're all going, Hapoppo." Tina said supportively.  
  
"Yeah, don't even think about having fun in space without us! We're coming along." Catten followed.  
  
"We can't just leave you to go out all by yourself, Hapoppo... I don't know what we'd do without you." Kiro, as always, showed the greatest concern. Jarni and Mitaru didn't even need to follow them up, since Hapoppo didn't display any signs of resistance whatsoever.  
  
"Sweetness! Well, guess I'd better go request a few days off at work then. I won't be needing a huge paycheck... IN SPACE!" Hapoppo said, and with that the six little kittens headed off to the newest adventure to challenge their skills. 


End file.
